How Ganondorf Stole Christmas
(based on the How The Grinch Stole Christmas)
by Mecha Scorpion
Rating: K+

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Hello! Since my Wind Waker fic is going pretty slowly, I thought I’d take a break, OK? Review!

Disclaimer: I do not own Zelda or Dr. Seuss. The italicized parts are slightly edited excerpts from How the Grinch Stole Christmas.

Every person in Hyrule liked Christmas a lot…

The marketplace was bustling with activity. Talon and Malon (but not Ingo, for reasons yet to be seen) were selling milk, cheese, ice cream and dairy products. The Zoras, except for Ruto who was perched on a rooftop looking for Link, were swimming in a fountain. The Gorons had long since moved from Death Mountain, and they were now eating away at a pile of rocks from a demolished building. Mido was unsuccessfully hitting on Saria, and the other Kokiri were hanging out in various places. The Gerudos, led by Nabooru, were dancing and playing cards. Zelda and Impa were welcoming in the arriving Kakariko villagers. And Link was desperately hiding from Ruto, with Navi to help him.

But Ganondorf, who lived north of Hyrule, did NOT!

Ganondorf, who had relocated to the top of Death Mountain, kicked moodily at the walls. His loyal creatures had long since abandoned him, the Gerudo people had moved out of their valley, and his castle was demolished. Nothing was going his way, and he was going to do something about it.

Ganondorf hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!

Just don’t ask us why. We do not know the reason.

It could be his armor was feeling too tight.

Perhaps his eyes were hurting that night.

But I think the most likely reason of all

May have been that his boxers were nine times too small.

Ganondorf attempted to change his boxers for fear of having a terrible wedgie, but his armor would not come off, denying him access. He cursed viciously and gazed out of his balcony.

But, whatever the reason,

His armor or eyes,

He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating those guys,

Staring down from the mountain with quite a sour frown

At the warm lighted windows of safe Hyrule Town

For he knew the Kokiri in Hyrule beneath

Were busy hanging up a Great Deku Leaf.

“Blast those Kokiri!” cursed Ganondorf, looking down on the town and spitting. “And they’re not even the worst of the lot! Those dunderhead Gorons, those half-dressed Gerudos, those fishy Zoras! But the worst of them all are those confounded Hylians!”

“And they’re hanging them fast!” he snarled with a sneer.

“Tomorrow is Christmas! It’s just about here!”

Then he growled, with the soundtrack dramatically drumming,

“I must find some way to stop Christmas from coming!”

“Oh, shut up!” he snarled, and the music cut out with a fizzle. “But that narrator was right, stupid as he is!” The volcanic mountain began to tremble ominously. “I didn’t mean it! But I must stop Christmas!”

For tomorrow, he knew…

All the Hylian kids

Would jump out of bed with the patience of squids!

Despite the horrendousness of the author’s rhymes,

These kids got up like they did not know the times!

And then! Oh the noise, of those girls, boys and toys!

That’s just one thing he hated! The noise, oh the noise!

Nobody knew this, but Ganondorf had ultra-sensitive hearing. He had been taunted about it as a child, and he hated all these bratty obnoxious kids all the more for it.

Then the Hylian folks would sit down to a feast. And the Gerudos, Zoras and the others would feast!

And they’d eat fine rock pudding, and good old roast keese

Which was something that he couldn’t stand in the least!

“Ack! I got the dry heaves!” gagged Ganondorf at the thought of feasting. Ganondorf had a mild eating disorder in which he ate very little, but he ate constantly. He still got the same amount of food and nutrition, it was just weird. But that wasn’t even the worst of it…

And then they’d do something he liked least of all!

Each Gerudo biggest and Kokiri small

Would stand close together, with church bells a-ringing,

After all holding hands, everyone would start singing!

They’d sing and they’d sing til it made his ears ring!

Ganondorf winced at the very notion. Another part of Ganondorf’s childhood was that he had tried to sign up for school chorus, but he’d dropped out after his voice cracked.

And the more Ganny thought of this Hylian sing,

The more Ganny thought, “I must stop the whole thing!

“It’s been twelve thousand years, and this stuff will stop now!

“Those twits will never see it coming! But HOW?”

Ignoring the inconsistency of the part involving twelve thousand years (he was only about 40), Ganondorf began to think.

Then he got an idea!

It was such an idea!

Ganondorf got a wonderfully awful idea!

A light bulb turned on over Ganondorf’s head. He turned it off again and began looking through a clothes dresser.

Ganondorf started laughing, and he just had to gloat.

But when he was done, he put on a red coat.

“When I put on a hat, everyone will be tricked!

“From a distance, I could be confused for Saint Nick!”

Ganondorf located the hat. He put it on and called for his servant Ingo. He began to speak while waiting.

“All I need is a reindeer!

“With Ingo around,

“He can give me a horse so I can enter town!”

Ingo hobbled over. He had broken his legs riding a horse years ago. “What is it, Master?”

“I need a horse, so I can impersonate Santa Claus!”

“I sold them all, remember?”

Did that stop Ganondorf?

No! The villain just said,

“If I can’t find a reindeer, I’ll make one instead!”

So he called over Ingo, and with some cobwebs,

He precariously tied reindeer horns to his head.

“I’ve never been so humiliated in my life,” muttered Ingo angrily.

“Shut up and go!” yelled Ganondorf, sitting atop a sleigh.

On his way down the hill, he obtained some old bags

And to not breathe in ash, he located two rags.

Ingo muttered from behind the rag, his eyes watering as they avoided the ash that hovered continually around the mountain. Ganondorf, who had the sense to wear sunglasses, lay back and relaxed. They finally reached the bottom of the mountain, but by then it was nighttime.

All the windows were dark. Snowflakes dropped through the air.

All the people were dreaming nice dreams without care

When Ganondorf entered the dark Hyrule Square.

He located a house, and emitting a hiss

He climbed up the roof, clenching bags tight in his fist.

And he slid down the chimney, and almost got stuck.

But whenever that happened, he shouted out f…iretruck.

“FIRETRUCK!” shouted Ganondorf seventeen thousand, nine hundred and thirty one times as he descended the chimney and came out through the fireplace.

And he saw all the stockings, hung up in a row.

“These stockings,” he smirked, “are the first things to go!”

Then he tiptoed around, robbing them of their presents,

Until he left all of them, poor as a peasant!

Fire arrows! Ice arrows! Megaton hammers!

Bomb arrows! Bombchus! And other kablammers!

“Kablammers?” asked Ingo from outside with a strange look on his face.

Hookshots! Kokiri swords! All types of shields!

And all sorts of weapons a Hylian wields!

Ganondorf filled the bags with the Hylian gifts,

Then he sent them up the chimney, as many as he could lift!

“That takes care of that!” laughed Ganondorf, dusting off his hands. Outside, a wrapped box of electrical tape bounced off of Ingo’s head.

Then he slunk to the fridge and he took the whole feast!

He took the grilled rocks and he took the roast keese!

He cleaned out the fridge as fast as a Tektite!

Why, that Ganondorf took all their Sunny Delight!

He took it away, swigging cold Sunny D.

“And now,” grinned G-Dorf, “I will stuff up the tree!”

Everything had gone perfectly up to this point. Now, of course, something would happen wrong.

Ganondorf turned around, and who did he see?

But a little Zora girl, who was no more than three.

She stared up at him and said, “Who are you?

“You’ve taken it all, and our Christmas tree too!”

Ganondorf later recalled the incident as requiring “some very fast talking.”

“I’m an electrician,” he lied. “I’m repairing the light on the tree, re-refrigerating your food, and keeping your presents warm since the heating isn’t working. That’s my assistant right outside.” He pointed at Ingo, lying next to the electrical tape.

He gave the fish girl a quick pat on the head

And, mad at being caught, he threw her into bed.

And when Little Miss Fish was no longer awake,

The whole Christmas tree was the last thing to take!

“Bad grammar,” he muttered, slipping away. “It wasn’t even the last thing I took!”

Then the very last thing that he stole was the log!

He had taken the wood for their fire, the big hog!

Then he went up the chimney with no risk of a fire.

It was really clear that Ganondorf was a liar.

And the one speck of food

That he had left behind

Was only a very small crumb of cheese rind.

“Now,” laughed Ganon, escaping the house, “to repeat the process!”

Then he did the same thing in the other people’s homes,

Leaving nothing but cheese rind crumbs alone.

It was quarter past dawn…

All the Zoras in bed!

All the Gorons a-snooze

When he packed up his sled

With the Hookshots and Ice Arrows! Fire Arrows, too!

Hookshots and Master Swords! Even Hover Shoes!

“That’s Hover Boots,” he grumbled, slowly pulled up the hill by the overworked Ingo.

Three miles he went up! Up the side of the summit! When he reached the tip-top, down the stuff would plummet!

“All those idiots!” he said with the soundtrack bum-bumming,

“They’ll be finding out soon that no Christmas is coming!”

“Enough with the soundtrack,” he said, but he couldn’t hide his excitement as they neared the top/

“They’ll be up soon enough! I know just what they’ll do!

“They’ll stop dead in their tracks for a second or two!

“Then everyone down there will whimper BOO-HOO!”

“Mwahahaha!” cackled Ganondorf, his load at the top and dangling on the edge.

“That’s a sound,” snickered G-Dude,

“I simply must hear!”

So he stopped and he brought his cruel hand to his ear,

And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.

It started out quiet, but started to grow…

There was mass confusion in Hyrule Town.

“Silence! SILENCE!” yelled Zelda, but no effect was achieved.

Link put on the Zora tunic. He took a huge deep breath of air in, as he could with the tunic, and yelled, “SHUT UPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!”

Everyone was silent.

“We should make the best of this situation! No pouting or whining! We should start singing on schedule!” he shouted in the silence.

“I love how he takes control like that…” sighed Ruto, Malon, Zelda, Saria, Nabooru, and all the ladies except Navi and Impa in unison.

“Even if we just forget our presents, we don’t know what to sing!” shouted Darunia.

“Well, brother Darunia,” said Link, “we’ll have to sing from memory!”

“But what about all our stuff?” shouted Talon. “Our decorations?”

“Our presents!” yelled Mido.

“Our FOOD!” yelled King Zora.

“Link’s right!” yelled Zelda. “Let’s start singing!”

But the sound wasn’t sad!

Why this sound sounded merry!

It couldn’t be so!

But it was happy, very!

He stared down at Hyrule, with tears in his eyes!

What he saw was a terribly shocking surprise!

“Don’t wanna be a Hylian idiot!” sang Link into the microphone. A Kokiri band, save for a disgruntled Mido, were playing in the background.

“Don’t want a country under the media!” warbled Darunia into a supporting mike. The Gorons played behind him.

“And can you hear the sound of hysteria?” asked Ingo in a tenor voice, as Hylians played behind him. No one heard Ganondorf’s cry of “TRAITOR!”

“THE SUBLIMINAL MIND(BEEP) HYRULIA!” they all belted out.

Every person in Hyrule, the big and the small,

Was singing, without any presents at all!

It hadn’t stopped Christmas from coming!

It came!

Somehow, in spite of it all, it had came!

And Ganondorf, with his feet ice-cold in the snow,

Stood thinking and worrying, “How could it be so?

“It came without licensing or advertising!

“No marketing and no merchandising!”

Then Ganondorf had an idea in the snow.

“Maybe Christmas doesn’t come from a corporate hobo.

“Maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit mo…”

“All right, STOP!” yelled Ganondorf. “This makes no sense! That song didn’t even make any sense, except for maybe the media part! The rhymes are terrible! More doesn’t rhyme with hobo or snow! And I refuse to have a redemption scene where I see the light!” But then he thought. “Maybe… to work… things don’t need to make sense! That’s it! You can be uptight about randomness and funniness, but it’s much better to forget logic and just go with the flow!” Ignoring the subliminal message in that that applies to fanfiction (cough Alliance cough) he decided to return the toys.

And what happened then?

Well, in Hyrule they say

That Ganondorf’s boxers

Expanded that day!

No more was he itchy!

No more was he chafed!

And now that he wasn’t,

Hyrule was quite safe.

“Yahoo!” he cried, sailing down the hill with the presents in tow.

He brought back all the toys! All the food for the feast!

Ganondorf- yes, that’s him-

Ganny carved the roast keese!

Ganondorf sliced the roast keese with a long carving knife and winked at the audience as it faded out.

Well, that was fun until I can crank out more Wind Waker! Please review!