Not Just
Another Halloween Night
by MoonlightRose44
Rated: T
***
** Part 9 **
Author's Note: Yes, it's been a while has it not? I've actually had this on my hard drive for a while but finally decided to edit it properly. All Final Fantasy characters are the rightful properly of Square-Enix and I'm simply borrowing them for my...evil desires... evil cackle ensues Err...forget you heard that, on with the story!
Back at the castle of Ultimecia…
“Alright Kefka, how do we combine our powers?” Kuja asked as he was dusting off his outfit.
Kefka meanwhile was looking at a map of the area. “Hmm…” he started, “I could have sworn they had a store that sold a machine that would do the job for us, but…geez this place is so tiny…and they don’t even have a Burger King….mmmm whoppers…”
“What’s that about my whoppers?” Kuja asked dumbfounded, not understanding what Kefka had just said.
“For the last time Kuja, a whopper is a flame-broiled meat patty from Burger King, one of the most successful fast-food restaurants in the world…”
“Ooohhh….” Kuja replied.
Kefka frowned and returned to his sightseeing on the map.
“Kefka…do they sell Big Mac’s too?”
“First of all, I’m surprised you even know what a Big Mac is, secondly, no, those come from McDonald’s, and last, but certainly not least…there is no such thing as a McChocobo…”
“Oh 6-dollar burgers…I was hoping it was…”
“Not while the endangered species law is in effect, besides, if you ever try to do that in this fic, all the ladies out there are going to hurt you…”
“But I am a…oh wait…never-mind, I’m not…” Kuja smirked feeling a breeze shift through his attire…
“I’m beginning to have second thoughts on joining my powers with you Kuja…”
Kefka groaned.
***
Sephiroth was driving along the main street after having illegally stolen a school bus that was left unattended in a secluded location. His mind began to think evil thoughts as he patted the deadly blade in his pocket.
“Soon…Masamune…soon...” he laughed as he took the bus to its max speed of 55
mph.
***
Meanwhile, Aeris, now alone and bewildered, sat down on the street corner with a heavy sigh.
“I’m…all alone…I don’t wanna be alone…” she sniffed as she wiped away a single tear that fell from her eyelid.
A hand was suddenly placed on her shoulder from a dark figure towering overhead. “Aeris…you will never be alone, if you want to be alone, try it from someone who’s experienced it for years…”
”Vincent…”
“Where did Sephiroth go?” the black-caped figure asked towards the young Ancient in his usual tone.
“He’s gone off to kill Cloud…I think I bashed his head too many times and well…he’s now the evil titan he once was…” Aeris replied.
“So basically what you are saying is that we’re all doomed…”
“Pretty much…”
A happy-go-lucky Eiko appeared moments later seeing their sad faces. “What’s up y’all?”
“Eiko, can you mimic those moves you did in Mortal Kombat, well we could use your help…our old arch-enemy is back.”
“I will…under one condition…” smiled Eiko as she anteed up the bargain.
“And what would that be little princess…” Vincent asked.
“BUY ME JOHNNY CAGE!” squealed the young summoner.
“How about I bake you 4 dozen bat cookies…”
“Make it 6 dozen, with some of that color-changing milk!”
“Fine…you got it…it’s a done deal…” Vincent sighed.
“Yayyyy!” came the positive reply from Eiko Carol.
Vincent whispered into Aeris’s right ear. “You've got some overtime coming…hope you can cook babe…”
Aeris could only replied with a soft red blush that has quickly shrouded her cheeks.
***
“Mr. Kimahri Ronso! Where in the world did you learn to dance like that?” asked an extremely curious Garnet, who never in her entire life had had the opportunity to dance with such a graceful figure, let alone a cat.
Kimarhi blushed slightly as he leaned into the Queen’s ears and revealed the secret, “Lulu…”
“What!” replied Garnet who couldn’t believe this as she took a quick look over to Lulu as she was again dancing with Wakka. Her shocked reaction grew more as now a huge crowd was now around the elite dancers cheering like wildfire.
“Show offs,” snarled the Queen as she grabbed Kimahi’s right hand with a quick jerk, “Let’s show ‘em Kimahri!”
“Kimahri not sure about this…” the Ronso responded but it was already too late as the two began to dance right next to Lulu and Wakka. The crowd roared even more as it would be a dance contest to the finish for a night that already was becoming quite interesting.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the dance floor…a petit figure was just awakening from the recent douse of alcohol that has occupied her system, but in the end she was finding it to be seemingly impossible due to the high weight that has accumulated on her mind and body.
“Ugh…where am I…why can’t I get up…” moaned a half-conscious Rikku as she struggled further underneath the unknown weight that held her down. However, it wasn’t too terribly long when her vision finally returned to normal and it didn’t take too much to realize…
“ACK! What is HE doing on me! I’m not that perverted!” the Al Bhed girl howled as she tired ever so desperately to shrug his still form off her body, was it was practically a futile effort.
Zidane, however, was still off in dreamland as he slept through the endless punches, kicks, slashes, explosions, and everything else that Rikku could do to him…
Suddenly, a bright savior appeared, ironically the same one that had caused the whole mess in the first place, but nonetheless, he could help her out from this nasty predicament. “Need a little help there Rikku…?” came a mysterious voice from behind the young Al Bhed.
“YES! Auron! Get this cat like creature off of me! Pleaseeee!” Rikku pleaded as she continued to squirm under the load of the Gnome.
Auron brought a finger to the side of his lips and pondered for a moment before replying, “You promise not to drink anymore of my booze?”
“YES! Anything! I’ll even go seek counseling for my fear of lightning!” Rikku screeched agitatedly.
“As you wish…” came the cold reply from the aged warrior as he picked Zidane up by the collar and toss him right in the center of the dance competition.
“Zidane! Get out of here!” came the royal tone of Garnet as her love collided right into her, yet still metrically she kept in step with Kimahri. Zidane, however, was still far too intoxicated to even begin to notice his surroundings, not even furthermore when he was violently tossed into the air into another dancing couple which in turn did the exact same thing until he was being tossed around from couple to couple like a rag doll. There was no doubt in the author’s mind that he would be feeling some excruciating and possible dislocated joints in the morning.
Near the entrance, a familiar mako-eyed soldier after nearly two hours finally arose to his feet. “Hmm…” inquired Cloud Strife, “Where the heck am I? Where are Aeris and Sephiroth?” His calmness suddenly turned into a seething rage, as his primitive fear was possibly about to come to pass yet again. “No! That bastard! He’s going to kill her! Again!”
Blinded by his own rage, Cloud didn’t see the tail-bearing figure approaching as Zidane plowed right into his face.
“Not again…” Cloud staggered as he fell backwards with Zidane joining him. Once again, it was lights out for Strife.
It was only the beginning of troubles as a dark-cloaked swordsman stepped into the lounge with a small scar on his forehead. Extorting his collapsed wings from their rightful hanger, he slowly released a maddening chuckle and he walked into a view of light.
“Time to die…puppet…”
END OF PART NINE
Author's Note: Yes, I know Part Nine is short, but that's because Part Ten is over 2,000 words long and I wanted to give your eyes a break . So, now the questions that are being begged to ask are: Will Sephiroth kill Cloud? Will Zidane ever wake up? Will Aeris and Vincent arrive in time? Is Eiko really that good at Mortal Kombat? What devilish deeds do Kuja and Kefka have? And, what about the others? Is the author really going to drag this story on further? ()
Hopefully I'll get Part Ten up quickly so everyone can find out those answers and lots more! Don't forget to review and rate if you feel up to it, bad or good, I take all forms of reviews (except annoymous of course)
** Part 10 **
Rinoa Heartilly was storming down the first floor hallway of the hospital, passing by a variety of rooms. Eventually she reached Room 3 but even when she peeped inside, the results even she could not have prepared herself for laid beyond the archway leading in.
Glaring inside the room was a black-haired women strapped to some machines where the only sound being heard was the faint beep of the pulse machine. Sure enough, it was the same women Zell had described, right down to her acclaimed ‘blimps’.
Her tone rose as she approached the young women asleep in her bed, she received an equal expression in her own eyelids as she awoke from her slumber.
Speaking through the oxygen mask, Tifa faintly spoke, “Am I seeing double?” she inquired to Rinoa.
“Why no you aren’t little one…and I’m not your twin sister either!” Rinoa replied in a harsh tone.
Tifa snarled at the girl. “I guess not…I wouldn’t have my hair THAT shiny…”
Tifa’s eye quirked up as she began to question the desire of this imposter. “State your business, I’m healing from the after-effects of total chaos…at a party…”
“Party? You mean…” Rinoa bellowed as she turned around and began to think.
Tifa looked up at the angel-clad female. “Wait…you were there too! You drank the punch and fell on top of your sweetheart! Heh, heh, did you like that? That punch was nothing…I could have made a way stronger drink at my Seventh Heaven…what a weakling you are…”
Rinoa’s eyes raged, her hands merely grabbed the bed-ridden Tifa around the throat as she began to strangle the life out of her carelessly.
“Die you sorry excuse for a Final Fantasy character!” she cried
“(gasp! hack!) At least I wasn’t weak like half of the females!” Tifa cried as she did a Final Heaven on Rinoa who was pummeled to a nearby wall. Interestingly, she was still semi-strapped to the medical equipment, and the heart rate monitor sped up in an appropriate fashion.
Rinoa smeared some blood from a small cut off her lips and charged at Tifa as the two of them began a ferocious catfight in Room 3.
Meanwhile, back in the room of Balamb Garden’s elite commander…
“Crappy hospital food! I need nourishments! How’s a guy suppose to live on burnt peanuts and dried Jell-o! When I’m hungry, I should get a Snicker, like the ad says…this is going into the suggestion box!”
A few seconds later, the SeeD was strapped to a white jacket and taken to the examination room.
“Sit down and shuddup! Or your leather jacket is mine!” cackled a hyperactive nurse, who took on a familiar identity of Yuffie.
***“Vincent! How did you manage to con this off, it looks so much like the REAL Batmobile…” Aeris asked as she stroked the plated armor near her window.
Vincent chuckled as he pressed a few buttons whereas seconds later, a huge flame exhorted from the exhaust pipe of the hotrod. “Well, to tell you the truth…Batman…is…my cousin…”
Aeris looked at him strangely. “Sure…you just went up to him and got permission to take his baby for a spin…”
Eiko merely starred out at the scenery that was whizzing by at a hundred-miles-per-hour, suddenly her face met with that of a red stop sign as Vincent shrieked to a halt.
“Stupid stop signs, even I, the Dark Knight, must obey traffic laws!” he heroically said.
“We have no time to this, Cloud’s life is at stake, and possibly the whole world! The laws of this world can wait…” Aeris fumed as she emitted some strange blue energy from her palms. A flash of light erupted across the skies where suddenly a bolt of lightning stuck the stop sign transforming it into a pile of pixie dust.
“What the! Did you just…dispose of every safety device that traffic has to rely on!” Vincent asked nervously.
“Yes! So now you won’t have an excuse to stop anymore!” Aeris piped up, pleased with herself.
“But Aeris…now no one is safe!” Eiko cried as she rubbed the side of her face after her faithful encounter with the red road sign.
At that sudden comment, a ga-zillion traffic horns roars throughout the night with one accident after another. It was pretty safe to say that all hell broke lose and traffic was at a stand-still with delays reaching practically limitless numbers.
The Ancient started down at the floor-mat, and sighed as a pink hue formed in her face, “Whoopies…”
***
”Do you think we lost him?” questioned a doubtful Seymour as he and his comrades peeped from behind a rather large tree in the middle of a park.“Hope so, wonder who the hell released that hellspawn demon in the first place, probably someone stupid.” Seifer gawked.
“I’ll bet it was you…” pondered a curious Laguna who was taking off a pair of headphones with the faint sound of his battle music blaring from within them.
”Good riddance I say, now, what do you say we get back on our mission…” Seymour inquired.
”Hey, where the heck is Barret?” Shadow solicited.
”Poor man, he probably got mauled by Omega…” Amarant snorted as he stepped from behind the tree back out into the open.
“Oh well, let’s mosey people…” Seymour requested as he stepped out from beneath the tree as well. He began to walk towards a playground and quickly became enraptured with the swings.
Seifer, Laguna, Amarant, Shadow and even Interceptor placed a single hand/paw over their eyes in disbelief.
“Wee! Swing, Swing, Swing!” was all Seymour could say in delight.
And just because weird things happen, for the record, we’ll just say the swing set support bar started to twist and quickly broke apart sending the whole equipment to the ground, atop a battled and bruised maester.
“Show off…” Seifer laughed as he and the other helped lift the crud off the maester’s back.
***
The blade hovered over his rival like a nightmare. The silver hair swirled from a gust of wind generated by the ceiling fans. The room was a dead silence, so quiet; you could even hear the dust move.Then, he spoke.
“I have waited for this moment for so very long, so long have I waited for this moment.” Sephiroth gleamed as he held his blade within his grasp for what seemed like endless hours.
The quietness broke as a figure from across the room stepped forward, his boots echoing loudly. Loitering atop his shoulder was a blade known as “Bushido”. He spoke a solid five words.
“You shall harm no one…”
The one-winged angel of death looked up at the elderly figure and laughed wholehearted.
“You dare to clash blades with me? I don’t think you realize what you’ve gotten yourself into old timer…”
Auron chuckled lightly. “You may be younger, but the more experienced swordsmen outperforms in a duel, or, didn’t anyone ever tell you that?”
The evil plague returned the laugh with one from his tongue. “That may be true, but in the end, it all relies on strength, and I clearly have more than you do, so stop your babbling and fight!”
A single hand clenched the blade from atop his strong shoulder. “So be it…”
Kimahri was about to jump into the fray when a hand held him back.
“Don’t risk your life for such a pitiful dispute Kimahri, let them fight, it’s the only way…” Garnet said in a soft voice.
“Oooo, let me at that baboon, I can take ‘um!” Rikku snarled as she prepared a few grenades, but a hand held her back as well.
“I can summon…summons!” Yuna cried.
“I can do Blitz Ace!” Tidus hollered, then looked down at his attire, “Maybe not in these rags…”
“I could use magic…and my dolls…” Lulu revealed. “Now where did I put Cali Girl Barbie…?”
“’An I can throw a ball!” Wakka divulged, but got a sudden look of concern from others, he quickly settled down. “Hmph, my balls could outstand machina any day…”
“Wakka, think about what you just said…” Lulu muttered.
The former blitzball coach thought about it, and thought about it, but couldn’t quite get it…
“ME RAGE!” Gau bellowed before turning into a SlamDancer.
“I can paint portraits!” young Relm exclaimed, and then turned head over heals upon seeing Sephiroth. “Ooo, I wanna paint HIS portrait! He’s so dreamy!”
“I’ve got Bio Blaster, Chain Saw, Flash, Drill…” Edgar said as he listed just about everything he had.
“I’ve got summons too! Hey, waitaminute…” Garnet queried before turning over to Yuna. “How can YOU summon!”
“I’m a summoner, duh!” Yuna chuckled before sticking a tongue out.
“I can summon too!” Irvine spoke up upon withdrawing a gun. “I can shoot ya as many times as a clock allows me too!”
“So can I!” Celes disclosed, "Well, the summoning thing...yeah..."
“As can I!” Terra unveiled.
“Hold on a second, how can everyone summon, when the soul purpose of my quest was to rid the world of an evil apocalypse entitled Sin, and I could only do this with summons, not to mention I had to go through three years of intense physical and spiritual training just to prepare for the summons themselves!” Yuna pouted feeling not so special anymore.
“Heh, heh, I just use an Esper, it’s like a jewel, I just hold it in my hand and I can summon…”
“My summons never die!” Garnet giggled loudly.
“Neither do ours!” Terra and Celes said at the same time.
“This is…preposterous! If people knew all along they could just, use jewels and such, what is my sole purpose of living!” Yuna bawled getting on her knees.
“To be used in a sequel to save me!” Tidus laughed as he wrapped an arm around her neck lovingly.
“Waaaaahh, this is so unfair…” Yuna wept as she buried herself into Tidus’s chest.
“Oh come on! Don’t make us suffer over here! Stop playing the innocent girl routine again! We’re trying to get it on!” Auron bellowed.
“Reminds me of a certain sickening Ancient...” Sephirtoh snorted before turning into his almighty form composed of a centaur with holy wings.
“Stop with the sexual tenses! This fic is already hovering before an MA rating, ya?” Wakka grumbled before throwing a Fire Ball at Tidus.
“Ow! What was that for?!” Tidus whined.
“Oh, I’ve just always wanted to do that…hehe…” Wakka chortled.
“Booyaka!” Selphie cheered, sending forth chaos across the room, once again.
***Rinoa’s left eye twitched open as she let out a groan of pain.
Tifa’s right eye twitched open as she too let out a groan of pain.
Total Silence.
“GAH! YOU READY FOR ROUND TWO YOU DEMON CHILD?!” Tifa exclaimed as she jumped to her feet with ease.
“BRING IT MISS DOUBLE D CUP!” Rinoa blared as she again charged at her foe.
**CRASH BOOM BAM KAPOWIE VROOM WOOSH ATOMIC BOMB LIKE NOISE**
The sudden rush of a stretcher whizzed on by with Squall strapped to it, his motions intense as a stream ooze of green jello escaped his tarnished lips. Yuffie, holding his gunblade in her right palm grinned wickedly.
“Weee! I’m a race car driver! VROOOOOOOOM!” Squall screeched.
Standing outside the door of the chaos stood a healed Zell with a bandage across his forehead.
“Goddamn…what the HELL is going on here!” he yelped. He took a sniff of the air and hacked. “What smells like asphalt at four in the morning around here!”
***
“M-A-S T-E-R S-E-Y-M-O! Seymour G, he’s so eee!” squealed a happy-go-lucky Maester Seymour who was causing havoc in the playground by merely attempting to have fun.Dumbfounded by the lack of intelligence in the evil villan, Seifer gawked at the baddie with vigor madness. “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU! I WAS BETTER OFF WITH THE SORCERESS THAN YOU!”
“Right on! You tell ‘em Seifer!” Amarant cheered before going back to his quiet status.
Stunned by the insincerity of his comrades, Maester Seymour did the only thing one could do when their feelings are hurt…
He shed a stream of tears.
“WAHHHHH! Why are you so mean to me! I’m just a lonely villain swore on the acts of revenge to defeat a foe who came from one thousand years in the future, and for what! He freakin’ sweeps the Lady Summoner off her feet because he’s a look-alike twin of all those Tommy Hilfinger models, only Asian style!”
***
The clash of blades echoed across the room in pandemonium. On the left side, an archangel hacked away like a crazed lunatic who’d had way too much Mountain Dew. On the right side, a calm, cool and collected middle-aged legend that didn’t make the slightest glitch of a move until the time was just right merely avoided each inward assault. Sephiroth was beginning to lose his patience as the tone in his voice showed the immediate proof.“Quick stalling and show me what you can really do! I hate fighting an empty battle against a foe!” he barked.
Auron curled his lips in a half-grin of ridicule. “Guard your emotions, then I’ll see about turning this battle up a notch, understand?” The guardian brought down his blade in a might roar towards the ground.
Sephiroth cursed loudly, “Oh yes, I see it all now, you’re trying to trick me, yes? Well, it’s not going to work! Aaaayaaahh!”
The one-winged angel of tyranny heaved a tense breath as he once again brought his blade out and rushed towards his opponent with haste…
But time would only tell what would result from this…or maybe just until the author can get his head out of a bag of Cheetos…(yum!)
END OF PART TEN Author’s Note: Yes, yes, so I stopped here and then decided to leave the story alone for a while before that turned into almost months! It was getting to be a long, long chapter and I am still a firm believer in the resting of the eyes. So, keep those reviews coming, I was so pleased to have received two recent reviews on the same day even and it is motivating me to work further on this insane fanfic. So thanks again and stay tuned for Part 11.** Part 11**
Back at the Good-Guys-Usually-Recover-Here Hospital. Zell, Squall, Rinoa, Tifa, and whomever else the author forgot to mention were set for immediate release, regardless of how unfitting this decision clearly is. In the end, Yuffie did walk away with Squall’s belt, Tifa and Rinoa somehow miraculously recovered (my guess is the ever famous Full-Life and Life 2 spells). Squall had his chocobo boxers on display for all the world to see, Zell managed to empty the hospital cafeteria of all its hotdogs, and…
“The wheels on the bus go round and round, all the live long day!”
Aboard the transport vehicle, the entire cast of FF4 and FF5 had tagged along for the ride.
“Arrr, shiver me timbers, Me am beginning to think thar author seriously is on thar illegal leaf...” Faris remarked before getting smacked by Bartz.
“Quiet you! You know how much food we had to prepare him just so we would be included in this fic? Too much that’s how much!” Bartz replied. (Thanks for the ribs hero!)
“So, where the fudge popsicles are we heading, anyways? Any place with hot women is alright by me!” Yang grinned as he let his tongue loose for a mere second, hormones getting the best of the disciplined monk.
Everyone looked at him in disbelief…
“Hey, a monk’s gotta get out sometime!” was all the Fabul king could say.
Suddenly, everyone looked into the mirror and figured out in a dreaded instance who the driver of the bus was. Clad in dark navy blue robes with a Viking-like helmet, the once evil cur of the Moon laughed as he recklessly plowed through traffic like it was litter in the road.
“Behold! I am bus driver, hear me roar! Wahahahaha!” Golbez chortled as his shifted the transport into overdrive!
“Mommy! I think I’m gonna…” But it was too late for Cecil as he spewed all over the floor. Rosa, at his side, could only wince at the disgusting mess with uneasiness.
“Honey…I think you really need to take the “Edge” off of things…” she said slipping him a Tums.
“Oh that’s it! She’s a dead wretch!” The prince of Eblan screeched as he stalked the Baron Queen with the two Longs Swords in both of his hands.
“Stop that you unsophisticated cur!” Rydia hissed as she vaulted after him with unconditional summoner rage.
So once again, chaos sprung forth in a moving vehicle with all the spectators cheering on the brawl at hand.
But suddenly, (don’t you love all these instantaneous spoofs?) Golbez swiveled out of control as the stoplight ahead was malfunctioning, and right in the middle of the road was a familiar armored super-car.
“Aieeee!” screamed Aeris, Eiko, and Vincent as the bus collided right into the driver’s side of the Batmobile and caused the two mediums to crash disorderly into a nearby ditch.
Kain, Krile, Boko, Edward, Faris and Cecil all flew forcefully through several nearby bus windows right into several awaiting trees in a nearby park. On the other end, Eiko’s seat ejected on its own from the impact, and thus the young moogle-loving summoner was set for a ride into the sky, the trails of her screams fading as she flew high and higher.
”Ahhh! Eiko!” Aeris cried as Vincent made a desperate attempt to use the abilities of his utility belt, but all could get was the grabbling hook which for some reason had a mind of its own ejecting his body from the driver’s seat and into a nearby thorn bush… (Well, he does know pain fairly well, right?)
Kain jumped into the air with his lance and grabbed the falling child protecting her beneath his dragon knight armor.
“You are safe now my dear…” Kain reassured her…
“You nincompoop! But now we’re going in the other direction!” Eiko blighted to the dragon knight. It was true, Eiko had been descending, but now with the arrival of her so-called savoir, they were once again on the “rise”.
”My bad…” Is all Kain could say as he had reached the height of his jump before the two starting their descent… “Maybe we’ll get lucky and some dumb Imp will pass by…”
”That’s real comforting dummy!” Eiko wept as the two could see the ground beneath them. The pure sound of screaming commenced.
Yet, the average IQ of a Final Fantasy character was significantly lower than any other RPG as all the Final Fantasy V characters transformed into Dragoons and all jumped towards the pair!
Eiko was not too thrilled by this to say the least, “I’ll never see the ground again!” as the cast of FFV, Kain and herself went from descending to ascending once again.
Back below near Golbez, who ironically had sustained no injured at all, FuSoYa had appeared gazing at the armored clad.
“Wait a minute…you were suppose to be asleep…what the hell happened?” the Lunarian inquired.
“I don’t know, I was sleeping peacefully, and then I faintly heard the words, CLEAR! And suddenly was zapped with some unknown magic!” Golbez revealed.
Squall, who had yet to say anything at all so far in this session said, “I’m king of the world!” before having all the jumped characters with Eiko fall on top of him and his prized boxers…
Rinoa and Tifa just sort of had left the scene with a stolen 2001 Ford Taurus and had brought new definition to the world “reckless female drivers”.
---
“Well now that I am finally free from the archenemy playground equipment, let us return to the ploy of finding Tidus and stabbing him with a pen!” Seymour commanded as he laughed in a way that evil typically does.
“Stabbing him with a pen? I thought the original objective was to KILL him…” Seifer corrected.
“Well that’s AFTER we stab him with the pen…or maybe we should doodle on his head first!” Seymour grinned.
“Look…what in half-filled glass of vodka is that noise?” Amarant hinted.
Seymour and company looked on as a Ford Taurus approached, suddenly, the vehicle broke down right in front of them. Being the perverted male characters that they were, their eyes went from mild to wild at the sight of Tifa and Rinoa.
“So Rinoa, you’ve ditched puberty boy and have come back to your sugar daddy?” Seifer cooed as he licked his lips.
“I’ll bet my own son disgraced the family name with his social skills once again!” Laguna bawled as he held his hands in his face. “if only he had taken from his old man…”
“What? Speaking without thinking?” Amarant said.
“You…be quiet…” Laguna snapped.
Shadow was clueless as to what was going on, so he decided to sick his dog on Seymour for kicks.
“Ahhh! Shadow! *tear* Call off your meddlesome mutt this instant or my mom will be doing the biting!” Seymour begged. It wasn’t long however before Interceptor had taking a liking to his hair as a chew toy.
Suddenly Barret reappeared after having been lost in this fic for ages since the Omega Weapon incident. He spotted Tifa and went over to her.
“Tiff? So where the hell are you and this twin sista of yours headin’?” he asked.
“First of all…” Tifa began, “I don’t see how you can spark the resemblance…but see we were both as this party with Cloud and Squall…so we’re going to head back there because we lack common sense and stuff…”
Seymour realized this had to be it. It had to be where Tidus was. How could that lovable…err, summoner-stealing Abercrombie and Finch model resist the urge to take Yuna to such an eventful gathering…it was just too perfect of a setting…
“My dear…would you mind giving us a ride… I’ll…pay handsomely…” Seymour chortled as he laid five thousand gil on the hood of the car for the ladies to see…”
“Blue-haired freak of nature…you’ve got yourself a deal. Hop on in everybody!” Rinoa squealed as the Taurus quickly became full beyond its intended capacity.
“Then, we’re off!” Seymour yelled his finger extended outward in rhapsody.
“Umm…but…” Tifa shrugged as she turned the key resulting in no noise exhibiting from the car.
“But…what!” Barret exclaimed.
“The car’s busted….”
Anime-sweat drops for everybody!
---
At the party, surprising nothing was going on that involved combat. Auron and Sephiroth had resorted to something a little less compelling, something more strategic.
“Checkmate…” Auron beamed as he tightened his gloves in victory.
“What the! No fair! This game bites! We need something…easier to play…” Sephiroth roared.
“What about 21?” Auron requested as an alternative solution.
“Geez, maybe for a Harvard student! But not for the likes of me!” the wing-clad titan bellowed.
”Fine…you choose the game…” Auron sighed just trying to move on with the situation.
”Alrighty, how about…Candy Land…?” suggested the tyrant of destruction.
Over in the crowed, Edgar and Gau were passing out popcorn and soda as the lounge had been rearranged into stadium-like seating…
“Okay…so the fate of the world hangs on the balance of…a child’s game?” Freya quarreled with disappointment as she took a sip of her beverage.
“If you ask me, it’s a bit of a refreshing change,” Celes remarked. “It’s always ‘Prepare for the final battle!” or “Save the planet from total annihilation!”
“Yeah but…there’s no…sense of accomplishment in winning Candy Land then there is fighting for the sake of the world in a great final showdown of arms! (With dazzling spells and music!)” Terra commented with her own words of thought.
“I don’t know about that…just look at Sephiroth’s sense of exploit now within his chilling eyes…” Lulu observed as she pointed with her right hand.
“Ah ha! I’ve sneaked past Lord Licorice’s place! Next stop, Gramma Nut! The Candy Castle will be all mine for the taking!” Sephiroth beamed as he drew a blue card.
“Stupid Mr. Mint, why didn’t he just leave me in peace!” Auron grumbled as he drew a red card.
---
Everything was starting to come together now as Kefka and Kuja were on their way to the scene via their oh-so-lovely transport, a classic red wagon. Kefka had been the lucky one in being not the one forced to tug the other in this sparsely limited capacity vehicle.
“So…tell me again why we didn’t just call a cab?” Kuja demanded as he thought that in all his years as a villan, this was the most revolting thing he had ever done. Period.
Kefka sighed as he spoke. “Because cab drivers scare me. There was this one time in New York City that I called a cab, and all he could do was stare at me with the most uncharitable eyes I have ever seen from one human being!”
“But you can’t really blame him, I mean, look at you! Your sporting a jester outfit with clown face paint! You’ve got lunatic written all over you!” Kuja wheezed before at last collapsing on the cement pavement, with a full-view of his limited clothed behind.
“And what about you?” Kefka retorted. “You’re the most questionable gender villain in the history of all role-playing games! No, boxers aren’t good enough for you, you just had to wear something from Victoria’s Secret!”
“Hey, have you ever actually been to that place? It’s amazing… Why, their semi-annual sales are truly something to behold!” Kuja responded back to the evil madman.
“Wait. Stop, right there. Can we just get back to the endeavor at hand? We’re trying to take over the world on Halloween Night… Can’t we at least do it without going alone the lines of girl’s underwear and cocky feminine gestures? I mean…He-man, now he was a real man…” Kefka grinned…
Kuja could barely compose himself as he screeched. “That’s it! I’ve had…well he DID have the power!”
“And what power he had, but he feared losing it. Scheming petty schemes never knowing rest…” came a voice from behind.
And then, at that moment…Kuja and Kefka knew they had met someone who they could look up to like a brother, the dark hues on his mop of hair, the lengthy hairs on his manly chest, a smock that rivaled even that of Bruce Lee when he wanted to feel pretty…
“Actually, that would have been Skelator…” Kuja corrected…
“Whatever…” Seymour replied trying to get back to the important matters at hand.
The two villains looked at him like a god, with the awesome power of his wheels and bowed accordingly.
“Teach us o wise one, we are not worthy!” Kuja and Kefka said in unison.
While you, the reader, may honestly believe the two skunks are referring to the Harley-Davidson that Seymour had ridden in previous parts of this lengthy tale, this was not the current mode of transport that the Maester was NOW riding…
“Look, I feel the need to ask something of importance regarding my current situation…can you fix a 2001 Ford Taurus?” Seymour asked as politely as one such of his caliber could.
“You’re kidding right?” Kuja said narrowing his eyes to the Guado. Kefka soon followed through with a menacing laugh.
“It is a desperate state of emergency, the longer we wait, the shorter amount of time I have to slay Tidus and his guardians!” Seymour stated.
“Haha…so you too are in the desire to take life from those that side with the light!” Kefka cackled. “Excellent…why not join us? We are on our way to rid this world…which I say is starting to look more like one place in Ohio…what was it called…?”
“Cleveland? Columbus? Cincinnati?” Seymour began spilling out Ohio cities.
“Shut up!” Kuja bellowed. “I’ll tell you what…you take me to this vehicle, and I’ll try Holy and Flare Star on it. If that doesn’t fix it, then consider it unfixable!” Kuja snarled as the night was not getting any younger.
“Deal! And while we’re on that, after all is said and done, I’ll be sure to treat you bros to Micky D’s!”
“Oh yeah… I’m lovin’ it!” Kefka cheered.
“Hang on…this may be a rather unpleasant and nerve-rattling ride…” Seymour warned before he adjusted himself on his pogo stick…
“Onward, to victory!” Kuja cried as a surge of newfound hope had entered his once-drained system.
And so, the three lunatics bounced happily across the tops of traffic vehicles of all shapes and sizes as they made their way back towards the rundown collision area, their paths set…
But they hadn’t even made it halfway there, when out of the blue, the author decided a change of pace was required.
“Villains of previous Final Fantasy games!” he said in a booming voice of heavenly volume.
The trio stopped in awe at the glorious sight of the heavenly figure (draped with wings that would even rival Sephiroth, no less! Hehe)
“It is time that you started acting more as a team rather than a bunch of misfits… Unite together and your powers shall be unrivaled!”
“But how are we to do that oh gracious and powerful one who controls our every move and everything we say…no, I didn’t want to say that! Wait…don’t type that word…duckies, penguins, I’m a pretty ballerina…gah!…S—SEDKSEDHTLEHSTEHEHTHGlshglshd8t!”
“Sorry, my cat just started running over the keyboard… But, okay, I’ll try harder to make it seem more likely that you have a higher desire to kill something rather than play around with everything that you come in contact with!”
“And no more gay sexual jokes!” Kuja demanded, fists of fury in the air.
“And no more of this talk of me being a lunatic that rivals Bozo the clown!” Kefka also spoke.
“And no more of me saying that I need a decent haircut and a brain to boot! I’m tired of this crap, I want to be the feared one again for a change!” Seymour instructed.
I, the author, thought for a moment, and then thought some more, and then when all hope seemingly was lost, I thought even more! In conclusion, I beseeched the skies, “By golly, those villains were right! At least for a time in their previous careers they were feared! Decimating the hope and dreams of everyone they touched, include their own pain and desires.”
“Yes, when I said ruling the world with my unconditional love, I didn’t mean it like THAT!” Kuja piped up, correcting me.
“Uh huh…sureeee you did!” I said.
“Alright, well then, from this moment on (for the most part) you’ll act like true scoundrels with only one goal in mind! To seek out and destroy those who have had a scene during the ending credits of their respective rpgs!”
“YEAH!” united the troupe.
“Well, let’s start off with giving you a better set of wheels…” Immediately out of the imagination of my colorful mind, I gave the trio a fire-red Dodge Viper with 5.1 surround sounding speakers with the music track playing “We Are the Champions” by Queen…
“Bitchin’!” the tree replied in unity. “Thanks author! You rock!” and thus they blazed off in their new toy as happy as villains could be.
END OF PART 11
Author’s Note: I couldn’t resist helping those poor, unfortunate souls out, that and it’ll speed up the story a bit! Thanks to all you faithful reader for putting up with my insanity to this point! But it’s not over yet! What questions do we ask ourselves now?
Will the cast of FF4 and FF5 have more lines?
Will Sephiroth also realize his evil ways (again) and stop the nonsense of Candy Land?
Will Cloud and Zidane ever wake up?
Could a Ford Taurus really have be fixed by a massive attack by the name of Flare Star?
Only time will tell…(and hopefully not too much time!) Part 12 is on the horizon! Yeppers!